Having a baby changes your life in the most wonderful (and unexpected!) ways. Sometimes, however, you can lose your identity...
I am not alone in asking this question: Who am I? Ask different people, at different times of the day, and their answers will be different. Right now, I am creating content. At 4:30pm I will be a mum on her way to do nursery pick-up. This thought, however, is about the bigger picture.
I used to be able to answer this question without a thought. ‘I am an editor of a luxury lifestyle publication, interviewing fabulous people, travelling the world, and experiencing new things every day.’
My sense of identity came from my choices, the role I had, my career, and my lifestyle. It was just what I did and what I loved. It was also hard work. But all of these things reflected who I was and what I valued.
Now, I am primarily ‘mum’, ‘mummy’, ‘mama’, or ‘muuuuum’. My choices have changed in their focus. I am responsible for another human being (something that I will never feel grown-up enough to be, by the way). My priorities have changed. Whilst I would not change this for the world, and I count my blessings every day, I do feel that I have lost a little of who I am.
I know that I am not alone, for when I have broached the topic with friends and colleagues, they completely understand. I felt that I’d lost a little value professionally, I’d definitely lost my social life (don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t stellar but it was existent), I had no time for losing myself in a great read and I had lost some of my confidence. Even those I have spoken with who knew all the wonderful chaos a child brings admit to still feeling a little lost.
As I listened to the advice I was giving to others, I realised that I needed to listen to myself. I wasn’t doing anything wrong as a parent, wife or friend. I just needed some time to rediscover who I was. Please note: this is still a work in progress. But here are a few things that I have learned:
Comparison is bad. To other parents, other children’s progress, and to your previous self. How you used to remember everyone’s birthdays and how the house was always perfect – those types of things.
Everyone is different. Looking in from the outside, you don’t know their real life, what it is really like for others. You only know what it feels like to be you. To re-use what was shared by the fabulous Jamie Lee Curtis’ recently;
Everyone has something going on. Chances are you are not the only one thinking what you’re thinking.
Self-care. Well, that went out of the window, along with the mascara. Just making time to cook an amazing meal with my husband seemed a million miles away. Even wandering aimlessly with the dog, now included a pushchair and associated paraphernalia. It took a lot to make time to do some things for my own physical and mental well-being.
There is also no need to be busy all of the time. Easy to say. Hard to do. I am a busy person, always with a plan. Taking a break doesn’t mean finding something else to do. Just doing nothing can be good enough.
As a first thought on the website, I hope that this comes across as it is meant to, not all preachy, and look at me. It is one of the reasons why we have created the site, to share and spark that conversation. If it resonates with you, I hope that these words may help, if nothing more than to remind you to give yourself a break.
